And We Just Go On
by charliespike18
Summary: The first time it is merely a lapse in memory. The second time there out walking in Verona and they come across two old friends of Mike who just don't know. She doesn't even say anything the third time. It's Amy next. And then it's the anniversary of Sarah's death. Of course it would come up. - The five times that Zoe and Mike remember Sarah while there traveling.


i

The first time it is merely a lapse in memory. She's standing on the balcony of her hotel room, staring across the lake they're staying by and just forgets.

"Sarah would like it here." Would – present tense. It is at this point that Zoe turns away from the astounding view and looks at Mike, sitting on the sofa. He hasn't forgotten and he notices.

"Would have," he corrects her. Zoe just turns back to the lake. It doesn't hit her like a ton of bricks or a car hurtling at irrational speeds - no, to say that would be a lie, because the pain of losing her hasn't gone away, it has simply found somewhere to hide until it is rediscovered. And now, the pain is certainly being rediscovered.

She is right though, Sarah would've liked it here. It's a small hotel in a place called Interlaken and is near the shore of a lake called Thun. She and Mike have been in Switzerland for near three weeks now and Zoe doesn't really want to leave, it's just so perfect. Mike stands and walks towards her, starting to say something about Sarah. Zoe can't take it and walks past Mike and out the room.

In her bedroom she cries and cries because she has finally realised that the pain connected to Sarah will never go away. Zoe doesn't want to hurt every time she thinks of her friend. She's afraid though, that she will.

ii

The second time there out walking in Verona and they come across two old friends of Mike – Mark and Jenny. He hasn't seen them in a long time, a very long time. The sun is setting and Zoe could quite happily sit here and watch the sun going down forever.

They don't know.

It takes Zoe longer than it should for her to realise. But they talk to Mike without pity, without the misapprehension that the mere mention of her name would cause him to spiral into some kind of depression. So, nearly two years after she died, Sarah lives again and Mike and Zoe live in a make-believe world, just for one evening.

Mike introduces Zoe as a friend of Sarah, who in this world has a really bad headache and is back at the hotel with Amy – probably tucked up in bed. In this world she is alive. So very alive. She has a job as a model and is so very happy. It makes Zoe happy, and by the looks of it Mike too – what they don't know is the impact that living in worlds that don't exist has – to be honest it doesn't quite hit them until they return to the hotel and…

and Sarah isn't there.

Zoe knows now that living in make believe worlds is sometimes more painful than the reality.

iii

She doesn't even say anything the third time. They're on a boat and Zoe's taking photos of the view while Mike is snapping away on an old camera that looks like it must be at least ten years old. There surrounded by mountains and Zoe doesn't think she's ever seen anything so beautiful. She laughs and shows the pictures to Mike. She skips forward, accidentally flicking to the first picture she ever took. A younger Zoe stares at them from in the screen, Sarah standing next to her. Zoe instantly knows that the photo was taken a few months before Sarah's death and it breaks her heart – she looks so happy, so full of life and for that to end as abruptly as it did just hurts her to think about.

She turns the camera off and returns to staring at the cliffs around them. They're on the border between France and Switzerland and the boat that they're on will, according to the leaflet, take them to see some 'beautifully exquisite waterfalls' She's been looking forward to this all week and now, after seeing that picture, Zoe's suddenly so much less excited at the prospect of seeing waterfalls. Instead, her mind is filled with memories of Sarah.

Mike next to her hasn't said a word. She knows he saw it and yet has chosen to remain silent. Zoe watches him fiddle with his camera and then he passes it too her. In the glare of the afternoon sun it takes a while for her to make out the image on the screen. Sarah, aged about 15, stares back up at her. Her eyes flick up to Mike. He's not looking at her but out at the view. His mind obviously on other things, in another place, another time.

On Sarah.

They don't talk, not at all. Not about Sarah, at least. They barely talk about anything really as they walk and take in the magnificent sight of the waterfalls. They hardly talk when they enter the hotel room and lie down to go to sleep.

They talk in the morning about inconsequential things and the weather and the hotel and the food.

They don't talk about Sarah.

They never talk about Sarah.

It's too hard.

iv

It's Amy this time. She usually phones Mike every fortnight or so and this time they're in the middle of dinner – a microwaved meal in their room – so he puts her on loudspeaker. It comes out of the blue - at first she's talking about how Leah is doing at school and how she won an award for swimming and then Amy says it.

"She reminds me of Sarah."

Mike, for a moment, is speechless and Zoe just stares at him, words deserting her too.

"How?" he asks finally. Amy obliges, listing the ways her daughter is similar to her sister; she's brilliant at swimming, her smile, her eyes. Silence reigns again after Amy stops speaking, Mike is once again unable to speak and Zoe has stood and walked over to the window.

Amy asks if her dad is still there, and when she doesn't get a response she drops another bombshell.

She's been to Sarah's grave.

Amy just wanted to see how everything was – she took the kids and told them what a wonderful person her sister was. Leah asked questions, Lucas too but Leah's inquiries were almost impossible to answer. How did she die, was she happy when she died, is she happy now - all questions that should be easy to answer but, now, are almost impossible to frame a response to. Mike, listening to his daughter speaking, seemingly unable to form words to reply, just picks the phone up and ends the call. Zoe thinks that Amy must be worried about her dad and him hanging up on her must have made it worse.

They sit in silence until Mike finally talks. "Well was she?" he asks, but Zoe doesn't know what he's talking about. So he clarifies, "Was she happy before she died?" His voice breaks on the last word - he's still not used to saying it, all these years later. Zoe replies, saying that she doesn't know, not really but thinks she was. Then Mike stands and walks out.

He phones Amy back half an hour later and they reminisce about Sarah over the phone. Zoe just sits and listens. She watches the sun go down.

V

The anniversary of Sarah's death. Of course, Zoe's an idiot to think it wouldn't come up. They're staying in a hotel in Bern and have spent the day in the city. First they walk past the official Swiss Parliament building, a tall grand structure located at the top of a hill, and sit by the river – Aare – in a very posh café that's so expensive they only buy drinks. After that they walk around the river and find themselves at a museum for an artist Zoe's never heard of, they don't go in but just sit on the grass outside.

She's sure Sarah will come up but she's wrong.

They go and see the fabled bears and sit by the river and read their books and play games like hangman and eye spy. They must seem crazy to the passersby, but then Zoe supposes they are crazy, really. Sarah doesn't come up then either.

No, Zoe's surprised; Sarah doesn't come up until there back at the hotel and by then, she's has decided that it's just not going to come up at all – that it will be another date that will go unnoticed because the words are far too hard to say.

So when it does come up - and oh it definitely does- she is surprised even though she knew, in her heart of hearts, it would.

It does come out of the blue, though – the aspect of Sarah they talk about. Zoe though that they'd lament her passing and say how much they still miss her but she's completely wrong.

Mike asks her if she loved Sarah. Zoe just stares at him. He stares back, waiting for the answer to his question. She's still staring when he starts to talk again – about how he's been thinking about it all day, how he just _needs_ to know. She doesn't know what to say, it's been so long and yet she still can't face it so she just remains silent. Mike grows more impatient and stands, speaking again.

"Why did you sleep with my daughter?" – bam, he's there with his point, no beating round the bush.

And still she can't answer.

"Why now, why now?" she shouts. He shouts back that she's dead so he can't ask her.

"She's dead," he repeats. "Do you know how that feels? My daughter is dead."

Zoe replies, quietly that he didn't watch her die. He didn't watch her scream in her final moments, knowing that there wasn't a single thing she could do except watch her die. Zoe walks past him. They're both crying now. She goes into her room.

She keeps replaying the moment in her mind, the last moment – hearing the thud again and again and again.

Zoe knows she'll have nightmares tonight.


End file.
